amber ghosts

I cried. I was among that sea of hopefuls, shamelessly parading my welling eyes for an apparent reason: that moment made me realize that I was not the only one relentlessly praying every night for wisdom and a high score. That maybe, I was not that special to be granted with the opportunity to achieve my aim of the highest possible percentile rank, that there are other individuals who deserve it more than I do. I know. This is my usual “pessimist” self. Or maybe, my “overwhelmed” self. I prepared myself for the NMAT; went early at the testing site thinking solely about my selfish goal. But what I didn’t expect were the lessons and realizations I had because of this wonderful experience. Confused  ka na? Haha. Simulan ulit natin.  Just read on. I was accompanied by la familia for this “big day.” I took a few  Fres  mint candies from my tita’s stash and put it in my clear envelope  (‘lam mo na, baka may makasalubong na kyuti patuti, sabay “hi” haha) ...

I’m on my nth mug of coffee for the day. It’s past midnight; few days before the October 2018 NMAT. I still got a lot of cramming to do, but here I am: finally deciding to document my journey towards living the dream of becoming a doctor. Around the same time last year, I thought that I had already figured out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I was taking my master’s degree. I was pouring myself on a job which I loved; juggling statistics, organizing events, nurturing and motivating the youth, being a part of an amazing team. But it was also around that same time when I found myself denying the fact that I had countless tear-soaked nights induced by binge watching medical-related videos on YouTube. That I had literally sobbed over graduation videos of future doctors. That I incessantly felt a pang every time I had the realization that there once was a child who dreamt of wearing a white coat and carrying a stethoscope. Recurrent was the thought that a piece of me has b...